I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
