We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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