i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
