so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
