feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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