I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
