My underwear smells like fireworks.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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