If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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