I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
