I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
