You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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