this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
