my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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