I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
