He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
