I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
