I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
