Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Holy shit dude........stairs
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
