Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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