I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
