My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
