Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
