YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
