i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
