I just pynch a tree in the face
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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