paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
