I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
