no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
