Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
