So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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