i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
