The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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