fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
