all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
