we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
