We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
