Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
