I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
