You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
