U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The Olympian is in my bed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
