Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
