Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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