I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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