it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
