Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
