you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
His hands were made for my vagina.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
