My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
