Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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