I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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