I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
